NCAA WEEK 4 PREDICTIONS: FUCK ESPN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People call me Magic Rat because that is my government name. I think it is a good handle and I started liking it in the 4th grade. It still works, so I’m sticking with it.

I met the boys from RPJ at last week’s SC-OSU massacre. They are some cool cats andI like what they have to say. I don’t agree with(personally, I think they are sucking off Colin Cowherd right now) everything they post, but they play it from the heart. That’s cool with me. I love talking about games and handicapping. I could talk plays all day, every day. The boys at RPJ are the same way.

Most of all, I like to point out stupidity every time I can. Living in our TV driven world lends itself to soooomany opportunities to find stupidity. For every Hills episode, for every dumbass shit that comes of a Kardashian’s mouth andfor every time there is proof that Paris Hilton does not have the sense Christ gave a woodchuck, the most stupid shit I see is usually on ESPN. Sorry folks, but I DESPISE that network. I love sports, but I hate ESPN with a passion. I hate Stewart Scott’s wandering, multi-colored eyes. I hate Stephen A. Smith’s militant, I know everything about Kobe Bryant spit. I hate Scott Van Pelt’s I have people buried in my basement look and persona. I hate that Trey Wingo’s name is “Trey” and that he makes people call him that. Trey is tres dumb to me.

Mostly, I hate how hypocritical ESPN is. Seriously. The hypocrisy is so thick you can see it on the screen. Need an example? Why hasn’t anyone said anything about Chris Berman’s Shwami-way of handicapping a game without saying the network supports gambling??! The whole point of the network is to tell you who is hurt, what teams do in the past in certain conditions and how they think they will play. Call a spade a spade. That is the essence of handicapping. F ESPN!!!!

All of these clowns handicap games and tell you where to put your money, but won’t admit what they are really doing. So, I’m going to give you some of my predictions for this week. See if the dumbasses at ESPN agree.

Here are my predictions:

1). Photos of Tebow and Clay Aiken together in Cabo finally surface and Tebow is forced to reveal that he is Aiken’s babydaddy. This will be revealed by halftime. Tennessee exploits the news by distracting Tebow by having the music from Celine Dion Live at the Acropolis pumped into his headset on 3rd down plays. Tebow is giddy. He throws 7 picks in the 2nd half and Tennessee wins 3-2.

Tebow Kryptonite...Satan Has a Face!!!

2). Iowa blows out Pitt…Najeh Davenport returns to Pittsburgh and takes a dump in Wannstedt’s closet. http://espn.go.com/nfl/news/2002/0729/1411363.html

3).Charlie Weis blows out his elbow reaching for extra sprinkles at Dairy Queen needing Tommy John surgery. He promptly sues DQ for being fat and asks Brady to be his star witness. Again.

Your Honor, The Witness Is Too Fat To Testify. If His Suit Can't Fit, You Must Acquit.

He loses and Jevon Ringer promptly tallies 700 yards on the ground. MSU wins by 3,000. Also, every MSU LB will sack Claussen and take turns shaving his head. Have you seen a worse haircut?!?!?!

4). Troy beats OSU outright. Now obnoxious Big 10 fans will know they can’t even hang against the Sun Belt either. OSU promptly moves to the Missouri Valley Conference in hopes of back dooring their way into another BCS final next year. They open their 2009 season at home against Bowdoin College, but lose game 2 to Illinois State. Tresselbegins looking into creating a new conference with Sarah Palin in Alaska. She gets federal earmarks and he plays games against pick-up Eskimo teams.

As If Living Off Of Whale Blubber Didn't Already Make You Feel Bad Enough...

 OSU plays LSU again in the 2009 finals. LSU wins by 2,000 and their dumb creole fans think they played a legit team and deserve to be ranked in the top 5 ’til the end of time.

5). Buffalo covers against Mizzou.

6). The Bama-Ark game becomes known as The PieceOshitDirtBagWelcher Bowl as Saban and Petrino jockey for raises before the game, tell their players that they will be BFF’s like LC and Heidi and then immediately quit at the coin toss. Petrino becomes Bama’s coach and Saban joins Ark.

OMG!!! The New Faces of BFF's Saban and Petrino. F Off SEC Fans!! Your Conference Is WAAAAAY Overrated. Like, Totally Overrated.

Bama and Ark boosters both feel the moves were what was best for the teams. Idiots. The boosters then sleep with their sisters and throw parties and weddings across the south at every Waffle House they can find. Chick-fil-a for everyone!!

WE ARE SEC FOOTBALL!!!!!

7). Central Michigan and Purdue combine to score 300 points. At the half. They give LeFevour the Heisman at the end of the 3rd quarter.

Cooler Than Chuck Norris and Way More Deadly. Smokin' Suckahs Since March 19, 1987.

8). Some how every SEC team will lose (even though they play each other), but each will still climb two spots in the polls.

Talk About a Monkey F'ing a Football...LSU and Auburn Both Lose and Move-Up to #1 and #2 Respectively

9). Ray Maualuga, despite not playing this weekend, records 18 tackles and a pick 6 on campus. The NCAA reprimands USC and Pete Carrollis forced to wheel Maualuga into every game on the Hannibal Lecter cart complete with face guard.

Betcha Tressel Wishes He Had This On Maualuga Last Weekend

10). Les Miles, hearing of the Mauluga reprimand, schedules South East Central West CrenshawLouisianaState at home next year in their season opener. His justification is that they want to play a team “with a good kicker.” He won’t take Pete Carrol’s calls about scheduling a home-and-home in 2010-2011.

11). Up by 30 with 2 seconds left, Urban Meyer realizes that his team needs a safety to cover. So, he has Emmanuel Moody don a Volunteers jersey and limp into the endzone with the ball. Every defensive player tackles him at the buzzer. (Piece of crap. How is their not a Tim Donaghy investigation into this clown?!?!?!). Somehow Fullmer is OK with this.

I Don't Care How Much Time Is Left..Kick The Field Goal...We Are Layin' 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m willing to put all of these predictions into an 11 team parlay.

Regards,

Rat

Advertisements