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NCAA WEEK 4 PREDICTIONS: FUCK ESPN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People call me Magic Rat because that is my government name. I think it is a good handle and I started liking it in the 4th grade. It still works, so I’m sticking with it.

I met the boys from RPJ at last week’s SC-OSU massacre. They are some cool cats andI like what they have to say. I don’t agree with(personally, I think they are sucking off Colin Cowherd right now) everything they post, but they play it from the heart. That’s cool with me. I love talking about games and handicapping. I could talk plays all day, every day. The boys at RPJ are the same way.

Most of all, I like to point out stupidity every time I can. Living in our TV driven world lends itself to soooomany opportunities to find stupidity. For every Hills episode, for every dumbass shit that comes of a Kardashian’s mouth andfor every time there is proof that Paris Hilton does not have the sense Christ gave a woodchuck, the most stupid shit I see is usually on ESPN. Sorry folks, but I DESPISE that network. I love sports, but I hate ESPN with a passion. I hate Stewart Scott’s wandering, multi-colored eyes. I hate Stephen A. Smith’s militant, I know everything about Kobe Bryant spit. I hate Scott Van Pelt’s I have people buried in my basement look and persona. I hate that Trey Wingo’s name is “Trey” and that he makes people call him that. Trey is tres dumb to me.

Mostly, I hate how hypocritical ESPN is. Seriously. The hypocrisy is so thick you can see it on the screen. Need an example? Why hasn’t anyone said anything about Chris Berman’s Shwami-way of handicapping a game without saying the network supports gambling??! The whole point of the network is to tell you who is hurt, what teams do in the past in certain conditions and how they think they will play. Call a spade a spade. That is the essence of handicapping. F ESPN!!!!

All of these clowns handicap games and tell you where to put your money, but won’t admit what they are really doing. So, I’m going to give you some of my predictions for this week. See if the dumbasses at ESPN agree.

Here are my predictions:

1). Photos of Tebow and Clay Aiken together in Cabo finally surface and Tebow is forced to reveal that he is Aiken’s babydaddy. This will be revealed by halftime. Tennessee exploits the news by distracting Tebow by having the music from Celine Dion Live at the Acropolis pumped into his headset on 3rd down plays. Tebow is giddy. He throws 7 picks in the 2nd half and Tennessee wins 3-2.

Tebow Kryptonite...Satan Has a Face!!!

Tebow Kryptonite...Satan Has a Face!!!

2). Iowa blows out Pitt…Najeh Davenport returns to Pittsburgh and takes a dump in Wannstedt’s closet. http://espn.go.com/nfl/news/2002/0729/1411363.html

3).Charlie Weis blows out his elbow reaching for extra sprinkles at Dairy Queen needing Tommy John surgery. He promptly sues DQ for being fat and asks Brady to be his star witness. Again.

Your Honor, The Witness Is Too Fat To Testify.

Your Honor, The Witness Is Too Fat To Testify. If His Suit Can't Fit, You Must Acquit.

He loses and Jevon Ringer promptly tallies 700 yards on the ground. MSU wins by 3,000. Also, every MSU LB will sack Claussen and take turns shaving his head. Have you seen a worse haircut?!?!?!

4). Troy beats OSU outright. Now obnoxious Big 10 fans will know they can’t even hang against the Sun Belt either. OSU promptly moves to the Missouri Valley Conference in hopes of back dooring their way into another BCS final next year. They open their 2009 season at home against Bowdoin College, but lose game 2 to Illinois State. Tresselbegins looking into creating a new conference with Sarah Palin in Alaska. She gets federal earmarks and he plays games against pick-up Eskimo teams.

As If Living Off Of Whale Blubber Didn't Already Make You Feel Bad...

As If Living Off Of Whale Blubber Didn't Already Make You Feel Bad Enough...

 OSU plays LSU again in the 2009 finals. LSU wins by 2,000 and their dumb creole fans think they played a legit team and deserve to be ranked in the top 5 ’til the end of time.

5). Buffalo covers against Mizzou.

6). The Bama-Ark game becomes known as The PieceOshitDirtBagWelcher Bowl as Saban and Petrino jockey for raises before the game, tell their players that they will be BFF’s like LC and Heidi and then immediately quit at the coin toss. Petrino becomes Bama’s coach and Saban joins Ark.

OMG!!! The New Faces of BFF's Petrino and Saban!! F Off SEC Fans!!

OMG!!! The New Faces of BFF's Saban and Petrino. F Off SEC Fans!! Your Conference Is WAAAAAY Overrated. Like, Totally Overrated.

Bama and Ark boosters both feel the moves were what was best for the teams. Idiots. The boosters then sleep with their sisters and throw parties and weddings across the south at every Waffle House they can find. Chick-fil-a for everyone!!

WE ARE SEC FOOTBALL!!!!!

WE ARE SEC FOOTBALL!!!!!

7). Central Michigan and Purdue combine to score 300 points. At the half. They give LeFevour the Heisman at the end of the 3rd quarter.

Cooler Than Chuck Norris and Way More Deadly. Smokin' Suckahs Since March 19, 1987

Cooler Than Chuck Norris and Way More Deadly. Smokin' Suckahs Since March 19, 1987.

8). Some how every SEC team will lose (even though they play each other), but each will still climb two spots in the polls.

Talk About a Monkey F'ing A Football....LSU and Auburn Lose But Move-Up to

Talk About a Monkey F'ing a Football...LSU and Auburn Both Lose and Move-Up to #1 and #2 Respectively

9). Ray Maualuga, despite not playing this weekend, records 18 tackles and a pick 6 on campus. The NCAA reprimands USC and Pete Carrollis forced to wheel Maualuga into every game on the Hannibal Lecter cart complete with face guard.

Betcha Tressel Wishes He Had This On Maualuga Last Weekend

Betcha Tressel Wishes He Had This On Maualuga Last Weekend

10). Les Miles, hearing of the Mauluga reprimand, schedules South East Central West CrenshawLouisianaState at home next year in their season opener. His justification is that they want to play a team “with a good kicker.” He won’t take Pete Carrol’s calls about scheduling a home-and-home in 2010-2011.

11). Up by 30 with 2 seconds left, Urban Meyer realizes that his team needs a safety to cover. So, he has Emmanuel Moody don a Volunteers jersey and limp into the endzone with the ball. Every defensive player tackles him at the buzzer. (Piece of crap. How is their not a Tim Donaghy investigation into this clown?!?!?!). Somehow Fullmer is OK with this.

Kick The Field Goal...We Are Layin' 24!!!!! I Don't Care How Much Time Is Left

I Don't Care How Much Time Is Left..Kick The Field Goal...We Are Layin' 24!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m willing to put all of these predictions into an 11 team parlay.

Regards,

Rat

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September 20, 2008 Posted by | BBF OMG, Betting, Celine Dion, Charlie Weis, Chris Berman, Chuck Norris, Clay Aiken, Dan LaFevour, ESPN, ESPN SUCKS, Free NCAA picks, Hannibal Lecter, Heidi Montaug, Jim Tressel, Lauren Conrad, Married at a Waffle House, NCAA, ncaa football, NCAA Picks, Pac-10, Ray Maualuga, Scott Van Pelt, SEC, Sports, Stephen A. Smith, Stuart Scott, The Hills, Tim Tebow, Trey Wingo, Urban Meyer, Waffle House, Winning Picks | Leave a comment

NCAA Football Week 11 Picks: Chicks and Hot Picks or Hot Chicks and Picks? Who Cares, Both are Better than Notre Dame!!!

Right now we are 39-35 on the season, 3-3 in Brinks truck bets (5 times your normal betting unit and up 4 units on the season. West Virginia and BYU gave us the Thursday night screw job special. Heading into this weekend we have 8 more picks for you and we are going to reveal these in true celebrity fashion:

The Britney Spears Train Wreck Games – I am hoping you can figure out the reason for our picks in the following two games based on the two pictures below:

brit-puss-shot.jpg

Lets get a close up on that:

brit-puss-shot-close-up.jpg

Yup that is Brit up close and personal and if you look above her beaver you can see her C-section scar….YUMMY!!!!! She even grosses Paris Hilton out. Now that says a lot!! Our recommendation to Paris is to have her car seats thoroughly scrubbed. The following two picks are in true train wreck fashion, just like our pal Britney; we have puss shots, C-section scars, drugs, alcohol, Federline….Michael Jackson and OJ get to keep their kids but Brit does not. What the heck did she do to lose child privileges. She defines Train Wreck!!! Now for the games:

Train Wreck Game 1 = Texas A and M @ Missouri (-19) – We love Missouri this year, 7 and 1 against the spread (ATS) and they show a tendency to show no mercy and pour on the points. So why is this a train wreck game….it is all on Franchione, the A and M coach. He was selling insider team news to boosters for $1,200 subscripions and got caught and now he is a distraction to the university and his team. In addition, the Aggies are simply soft. Look at the Aggies road games this year…Lost at Miami 34-17, lost at Texas Tech 35-7, lost at Oklahoma 42-14. Somehow they did manage to beat Nebraska 36-14 on the road but we know Nebraska is the second worse team in the country to Notre Dame so we discount that one. Now we hear that Franchione is in buyout talks with the university and Jeff Tedford is rumoured to be in line to take over for him. There is just too much BS going on with A and M right now and we think they are going to get blown out. Just to kick them while they are down:

Texas A and M
Aggies are 7-19-1 ATS in their last 27 games as a road underdog.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS vs. a team with a winning record.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games on grass.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 road games vs. a team with a winning home record.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 conference games.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 road games.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games overall.
Aggies are 2-9 ATS in their last 11 games as a road underdog of 10.5 or greater.
Aggies are 1-5 ATS in their last 6 games as an underdog.

We can rattle of 10 ATS numbers for why Missouri beats their ass but we do not think it is necessary. Missouri leaves C-section scars all over the Aggies, wins and covers.

Train Wreck Game 2 = USC @ California (+4) – Our good friend Jeff Tedford has found a way back into our hearts, blog and picks. As you read above, Tedford is rumoured to be inline for the Texas A and M job and that is just what we wanted to hear…Distraction city for the Cal Bears this week. Cal is a mess and has not covered in 4 games; losing outright in three of them. They barely beat Washington State at home last week. We despise Jeff Tedford and believe he has lost control of this team. He has perhaps the most weapons on offense of any school in the country and he is not using them. How is it that D. Jackson does not even lead the Bears in receptions? Way to promote your Heisman candidate coach! In addition, USC owns Nate Longshore and causes fits for Tedford’s offense. With the E-Freak coming off a 3.5 sack game against Oregon State and the USC defense racking up 9 sacks; we think Longshore will be running for his life and making very bad decisions. Some ATS numbers for you:

Road team is 8-3 ATS in their last 11 meetings.

USC
Trojans are 6-0 ATS in their last 6 games as a road favorite of 3.5-10.0.
Trojans are 5-0 ATS in their last 5 games as a favorite of 3.5-10.0.
Trojans are 4-1 ATS vs. a team with a winning record.
Trojans are 21-6 ATS in their last 27 games in November.

California
Golden Bears are 2-5 ATS in their last 7 games as a home underdog.
Golden Bears are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games as an underdog.
Golden Bears are 2-8 ATS in their last 10 games following a ATS loss.
Golden Bears are 0-4 ATS in their last 4 games in November.
Golden Bears are 0-4 ATS in their last 4 conference games.
Golden Bears are 0-4 ATS in their last 4 games overall.

USC is back on the scene, easy win and cover for the Trojans!!!

Lauren Conrad vs. Heidi Montag Smack Down Games – These two crazy bitches hate each other and love having their catty little fights on The Hills MTV show.

hm-versus-lc.jpg

Basically these two feud constantly and bash each other on the show and in the media so what better games to compare them to than to two SEC battles.

Game 3 = Arkansas @ Tennessee (pick em) = We love this matchup and as a real surprise, Arkansas is a clean sweep from a stats view point. Tennessee does not have a great run defense and The Razorbacks dynamic duo is coming off a game where they ran for 487 yards combined. In addition, the Razorbacks are 6-1 ATS in their last 7 meetings. One thing to think about is that Tennessee is undefeated at home this season and this is a pick em game. We think there is no time like the present for a Vols loss. Here are some ATS numbers for you:

Arkansas
Razorbacks are 5-1 ATS in their last 6 road games vs. a team with a winning home record.
Razorbacks are 4-1 ATS in their last 5 games overall.
Razorbacks are 6-2 ATS in their last 8 games in November.
Razorbacks are 8-3 ATS in their last 11 road games.

Tennessee
Volunteers are 3-10 ATS in their last 13 games in November.

Take Arkansas for the win in this game!!! This is also the Mrs. Frash Flash pick of the week. She is 1-1 on the season and she likes Arkansas to win this week because crazy girls go to Tennessee. We do not know what that means but that is her logic.

Game 4 = Auburn @ Georgia (+2) – We love seeing Auburn as the road dog in an SEC game. The Tigers are 4-1 ATS in their last 5 meetings in Georgia and the Road team is 8-3 ATS in their last 11 meetings. Auburn has a nasty defense and will be able to take advantage of Georgia’s youth on the offensive line and in the backfield. We love Auburn’s ATS numbers this week and they come across as one of the strongest opportunities we have had in awhile:

Auburn
Tigers are 5-0 ATS vs. a team with a winning record.
Tigers are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 games as an underdog of 0.5-3.0.
Tigers are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 games following a straight up win.
Tigers are 6-0 ATS in their last 6 games as a road underdog.
Tigers are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 road games vs. a team with a winning home record.
Tigers are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 games after allowing less than 20 points in their previous game.
Tigers are 7-0 ATS in their last 7 games as an underdog.
Tigers are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 road games.
Tigers are 5-1 ATS in their last 6 games on grass.
Tigers are 5-1 ATS in their last 6 games overall.
Tigers are 4-1 ATS in their last 5 conference games.

Georgia
Bulldogs are 5-11 ATS in their last 16 games following a ATS loss.
Bulldogs are 4-10-1 ATS in their last 15 games as a home favorite.
Bulldogs are 3-8 ATS in their last 11 games after scoring more than 40 points in their previous game.
Bulldogs are 2-6-1 ATS in their last 9 home games vs. a team with a winning road record.
Bulldogs are 2-9-1 ATS in their last 12 games as a favorite.
Bulldogs are 0-6-1 ATS in their last 7 games after accumulating more than 200 yards rushing in their previous game.

Georgia is just not that impressive to us and we love whenever you can give points to Auburn on the road. Take Auburn for the cover and do not be surprised if they win.

Rosie O’Donnell Fat Slobby Pig Game – Rosie O’Donnell is a big fat nasty pig of a woman who is opinionated and loud and really does not have anything meaningful to say. Sound familiar to you, still guessing, thinking….Notre Dame Fans are loud, obnoxious, think they have a good coach, top recruiting classes, are always the team to beat, etc….Excuses, excuses, excuses!!!

fat-rosie.jpg

Game 5 = Air Force @ Notre Dame (+3.5) – Do we really need to talk about this game? Just bet against Notre Dame and its 119th rated offense every single week. We wanted to point out that we are not the only people bashing Notre dame and Charlie Weis…check out a recent Jason Whitlock article: Weis’ NFL experience not helping him now. Also we saw this news and had to let out a chuckle, “Freshman Jimmy Clausen will start at quarterback for the Irish against Air Force on Saturday, Notre Dame announced Wednesday. Irish coach Charlie Weis did not make himself available for comment but a team spokesman said Weis would address the choice Thursday evening.” We love betting against Claussen’s noodle arm and terrible decision making ability. Some ATS numbers, not like you needed them:

Road team is 5-0 ATS in their last 5 meetings.

Air Force
Falcons are 5-0 ATS in their last 5 games on grass.
Falcons are 5-0 ATS in their last 5 games overall.
Falcons are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 games following a ATS win.
Falcons are 4-1 ATS vs. a team with a losing record.

Notre Dame
Fighting Irish are 6-15 ATS in their last 21 non-conference games.
Fighting Irish are 2-5 ATS in their last 7 games in November.
Fighting Irish are 3-8 ATS in their last 11 games as a home underdog.
Fighting Irish are 3-8 ATS in their last 11 games as an underdog.
Fighting Irish are 3-8 ATS in their last 11 games overall.
Fighting Irish are 2-6 ATS in their last 8 games on grass.
Fighting Irish are 4-14 ATS in their last 18 home games vs. a team with a winning road record.
Fighting Irish are 2-8 ATS in their last 10 home games.
Fighting Irish are 1-5 ATS in their last 6 games following a ATS loss.
Fighting Irish are 0-4 ATS in their last 4 games as a home underdog of 0.5-3.0.

Notre Dame can not beat Navy as a favorite and now they are home underdogs to Airforce. What has this world come to? Notre Dame is defeated and Charlie is a technician, not a motivator. The Notre Dame program is in trouble!!! Take Air Force to win and cover with ease!

The Broncos Cheerleaders Game – We were not witty enough to come up with a real game comparison for the following so we decided to show a picture of the hottest Boise State cheerleader. Enjoy!

boise-state.jpg

Game 6 = Boise State @ Utah State (+24.5) – This is not going to be a competitive game and the decision simply comes down to are you comfortable enough in Boise State’s ability to crush an opponent on the road by more than 24 points. Let us try to convince you! Boise State is a clean sweep team this week. They run for more than 85 yards more than Utah St., are far more efficient in converting third downs (51.4% versus 31.0%, give up 80 yards rushing less on defense per game and stop offenses from converting third downs (31.9% versus 46.7%). Can you smell the burning flesh? The Broncos are going to run all over these guys. Also, keep it in the back of your mind that Boise State plays with a lot of pride and is on a roll since losing to Washington. Boise State knows they need to remain undefeated heading into their end of season matchup at Hawaii for the title. Boise State knows what is at stake and will continue their destruction of conference foes. Some ATS numbers:

Boise State
Broncos are 4-0 ATS in their last 4 meetings in Utah State.
Broncos are 6-0-1 ATS in their last 7 meetings.
Favorite is 4-1-1 ATS in their last 6 meetings.

Utah State
Aggies are 4-10-1 ATS in their last 15 games in November.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games as a home underdog of 10.5 or greater.
Aggies are 1-4 ATS in their last 5 games as a home underdog.
Aggies are 1-5 ATS in their last 6 home games.

Boise State wins in a blow out and covers easily. Do not be afraid of the points!!!

The Keira Knightley Tribute to Pirates Game – You probably can not figure out what we mean by this game and neither can we. This was the toughest game to categorize because zero people are going to watch it cause nobody cares but degenerate gamblers like us. Enjoy the picture and we will get into the game below.

pirate-pic.jpg

Game 7 = East Carolina @ Marshall (+7) – This game stacks up as another clean sweep game. East Carolina likes to run (173 YPG) and Marshall can not stop the run (211.4 YPG). Do you need more? How about the turnover ratio…East Carolina plus 14 and Marshall minus 12. We were salivating that this line was under 10 points and do not think this game will be competitive at all. The ATS numbers:

East Carolina
Pirates are 10-1 ATS vs. a team with a losing record.
Pirates are 6-1 ATS in their last 7 games in November.
Pirates are 5-1 ATS in their last 6 games overall.
Pirates are 4-1 ATS in their last 5 road games.
Pirates are 6-2 ATS in their last 8 games as a favorite of 3.5-10.0.
Pirates are 19-7 ATS in their last 26 conference games.
Pirates are 7-3 ATS in their last 10 games as a favorite.
Pirates are 11-5 ATS in their last 16 games following a ATS win.

Marshall
Thundering Herd are 3-8 ATS in their last 11 games in November.
Thundering Herd are 2-6 ATS vs. a team with a winning record.
Thundering Herd are 3-11-1 ATS in their last 15 games as an underdog.
Thundering Herd are 1-4-1 ATS in their last 6 games after scoring less than 20 points in their previous game.
Thundering Herd are 1-5-1 ATS in their last 7 games after allowing more than 200 yards rushing in their previous game.
Thundering Herd are 1-6 ATS in their last 7 games as an underdog of 3.5-10.0.

East Carolina wins and covers easily!!!

The Cindy Crawford is Still Hot Game – Yep. Cindy Crawford was born in 1966, meaning she is over 40 and still damn hot. She just keeps on ticking and has been a model since she was 16. It does not matter what decade she works in, if she has kids, Cindy still rises to the top and is hot. Get where we are going with this one.

cindy-pic.jpg

Game 8 = Kansas @ Oklahoma State (+6) – Kansas remains the only unbeaten team in Div-1 against the spread sitting at 8-0 on the season. They also destroyed Nebraska last week. They also have Mangino. People thought the points last week were too high and Kansas blasted right through it. Well this week they face an Oklahoma State team on the road, a team that led Texas 35-17 in the 4th quarter last week and choked. We know a lot of people that are picking Oklahoma for the straight upset and we are not going to get sucked in. Both teams run and are efficient on offense but Kansas has a much better defense and causes a lot more turnovers. One ATS number has us worried and that is the fact that the Jayhawks are 0-6 ATS in their last 6 meetings. Something to think about, yes, but something to change bets on, NO!!! The favorite is 4-1 ATS in their last 5 meetings and Kansas looks nasty ATS-wise:

Kansas
Jayhawks are 5-0 ATS in their last 5 conference games.
Jayhawks are 7-0 ATS in their last 7 games after allowing less than 100 yards rushing in their previous game.
Jayhawks are 5-0 ATS in their last 5 games after scoring more than 40 points in their previous game.
Jayhawks are 6-0 ATS in their last 6 games following a ATS win.

Oklahoma State
Cowboys are 2-5 ATS in their last 7 games in November.
Cowboys are 7-19 ATS in their last 26 games as an underdog of 3.5-10.0.
Cowboys are 4-11 ATS in their last 15 games as a home underdog of 3.5-10.0.

We think Kansas is hot and will remain hot. Take the Jayhawks for the win and cover!!!!

And there you have it. Hot chicks and hot picks!!! Hope you enjoyed the blog. Please feel free to leave comments or to ask us to pick additional games for you. We are here to be used as a service and a tool to make YOU money!!! Also, sign up for our RSS feeds so you can get our posts in real time and before the lines move on you. If you signed up to our blog you probably would have received Central Michigan at minus 2.5 as a winner and not at minus 3 as a push.

Flash Flash and Runny

November 9, 2007 Posted by | Air Force Falcons, Arkansas Razorbacks, Auburn Tigers, BCS, Betting, Boise State Broncos, Britney Spears, Broncos, Bulldogs, California, Charlie Weis, Cindy Crawford, Dennis Franchione, East Carolina, East Carolina Pirates, ESPN, Falcons, Fighting Irish, Football, Gambling, Georgia Bulldogs, Golden Bears, Heidi Montag, Irish, Jeff Tedford, Jimmy Claussen, Kansas Jayhawks, Keira Knightley, Lauren Conrad, Mark Mangino, Marshall, Marshall Thundering Herd, NCAA, NCAA Picks, Nebraska, Notre Dame, Oklahoma State Cowboys, Pac-10, SEC, South Bend, Tenn, Tennessee, Texas A&M, Trojans, USC, USC Trojans, Utah State Aggies, Volunteers, Winning Picks | 1 Comment